Some days when I wake up I have it. You know, it? Everybody knows it. The thing you have that makes you get up and do the things / do more of the things / not do the things.
And some days I wake up and I do not have it. I look for it. I urge it to come to me. But it wont.
I drudge around and remind myself of all the things I have done wrong, bad decisions I have made and reprimand myself for forgetting for even just a moment about all those failures yet to come.
It’s not as if I am really feeling down, or cannot get out of bed. I’m just not motivated to do the extras. You know the extras. The writing. The reading. The Uni work. I spent the last three years busting my balls for the opportunity to do the Uni work and now some days I wake up and I think nah, I’d rather spend all afternoon fussing over a difficult recipe (that’s on the good days) or listlessly sit in front of DVD episodes of Seinfeld. For some reason, it seems that day is the only day for a huge spring clean.
But I live for the other days. The other days I wake up feeling fine. I sit down in front of my computer and before I know it it’s 11:00am and seems a massive inconvenience to disrupt my study and have a shower. Those are the days I must factor in a coffee run or else will not speak to another person or go outside all day.
How’s today going to shape up? I am not sure yet. It’s still early and so far it feels good. There’s a steaming coffee by my side and I am excited to start reading Tsotsi. It’s hard, Internet, this back to study thing. I have found it a challenge, especially since I am doing it from a distance. But even just writing this post, just laying down these thoughts and words, has reminded me that I love it. And I am so grateful that I am able to do it. I’m lucky. So I must carry on carrying on.
Thanks for listening, Internet.